So in the last article, we left off with Beyonce’s fitness secret of- Just GoNow the question is not whether we have gone but what happens when we ‘Just Go’This piece documents my recent visit to the gym, which turned out to be more about promotional packages, lying mirrors and my breasts, rather than actual exercise.

DECEPTIVE PACKAGES AND MISLEADING MIRRORS 

When I decide to act upon Beyonce’s secret and actually go to the gym, the first thing I notice are the posters promoting packages, pasted on the wall- ‘GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS OF 10 KILOS IN 60 DAYS ONLY AT THE SPECIAL ONE-TIME OFFER RATE OF RS. 20,000’ and ‘EXCLUSIVE 7-DAY DIET PLAN FREE FOR NEW MEMBERS’. The next thing that catches my eye is the Rowing Machine, which I look at with scrutiny, and notice that it has no place dedicated to holding my iPhone; so if I were to actually pretend to be rowing in the Kodaikanal lake, then where would I be able to place my music keeping in mind that my palms will be busy holding the oars. I remind myself that Beyonce would not be wasting time conversing with herself whilst staring at gym equipment. I hurry off to the locker room and am greeted with a wall of mirrors whose reflection I question is accurate. I silently pray that the management will soon put up a notice over the mirror stating “Apologies, the mirror is flawed. It is diagnosed with a condition that reflects an additional 3 inches on every person”.

Turning the other way, I change. Sports bra on, leggings next (because I shouldn’t wear shorts at the gym), then my Nike dri fit t-shirt, flip flops locked and shoes on; I grab my tangled earphones and head to the floor. Whilst stretching somewhere in the 11 feet between the calf extension machine and the abs machine (which in my opinion is being punished in the corner because of its ineffectiveness), I make a mental note to talk to the gym management regarding the authenticity of their claims mentioned in their promotional packages. I think two things regarding their claims: firstly losing 10 kilos in 2 months is ridiculously unhealthy and will lead to flappy skin like my 12-year-old pug Tobbler’s (he makes a guest appearance in this video), and secondly why would a place of fitness and health want to promote crash diets. I think to myself, while I try to get my head to touch my toes, Beyonce would definitely not condone this load of empty weight at her gym.

BREASTS OF THE BEST

After a 30 minute run, I pull down my sticky leggings in the locker room and turn to look if the mirror still lies. I console myself by imagining that maybe no one ever took the time to teach the mirror that lies have negative consequences. I am about to remove my t-shirt after imagining Beyonce’s muscle tone were my own, when the gym manager comes in and asks if she could have a moment with me. I leave the t-shirt on, leave my legs exposed and ask her how her day has been. Good manners should remain even when the pants come off, I am pleased with my behavior. She tells me she is well and then lowers her voice. I open my ears in curiosity hoping she came to inform me that the sick mirror is an incurable pathological liar so I should bid him farewell because his replacement was coming in tomorrow morning. I wait to be told to say goodbye, but instead she whispers “Ma’am do you wear a sports bra?”. Disappointed, I say “Yes”, not whispering. She whispers back “Ma’am could you wear two?”. I respond confused, “No, why?”, still not whispering. She continues on her whisper, as if trying hard to soften her words, “Ma’am, because when you run on the treadmill, people stare at you, and it is making some of us from the management very uncomfortable”. I smile at her, astonished at her insensitivity and her ignorance to the pain that my big breasts endure while working out. I whisper “would you like me to demonstrate to you the effect of wearing my customized-in-America sports bra over my regular t-shirt bra, so that you can compare it to the bounce that your eyes are subjected to when I run whilst wearing only my sports bra?”. She nods and says, “I am only concerned Ma’am”, finally not whispering. I wonder if her concern is for the management’s eyes or for my breasts having to be subjected to unwanted attention. I politely tell her that I refuse to wear more than one bra at a time. My breasts and I say goodbye; I take off my sports bra with a sigh of relief and wrap myself in a towel before entering the steam room.

On my way out I inform the receptionist to tell the management that tomorrow they would be in for a treat- it was my weights day, more flexing than bouncing.

I leave the gym thinking Beyonce would be proud.

P.S: For your convenience, by clicking on the underlined products, you will automatically be redirected to the website where I buy them from or from where you can learn more about them.

 

 

 

2 Comments
  • Khan
    September 5, 2016

    Very funny story but no photo of you in the sports bra? Damn management gets all the luck 🙁

    • Ishika Sachdev
      September 6, 2016

      Glad you enjoyed the piece, at the least. Have a great day. 🙂

Share your thoughts, beautiful human!