looked at the sun setting over the ocean, transforming the sea into liquid gold.
I sat on the balcony of a shack rooted on Goan sand, and stared into an elusive reality that seemed to want to be mine.
I was happy, but I wasn’t content.
I saw the moonlight manufacturing silver liquid and closing down shop every time a cloud went by.
I was envious of how quickly he recuperated.
I discussed my restlessness with the beautiful person next to me but reached nowhere.
I allowed myself to believe that nowhere could be a subset of somewhere.
I soaked in the energy of the blessed trees that witness the sunset every evening.
I became happier.
I packed my bags and flew home ten days later.
I unpacked my belongings but could not unload the persistent crave for contentment.
I unwittingly wrapped myself in a familiar blanket of daily habits.
I began to think that the feeling I craved would come from not craving it at all.
I tried silencing the background, it remained resilient.
I began to write, secretly at first.
I typed on my iPhone notes, and pretended my fingers were pens.
I liked how some words formed average sentences and some formed spectacular.
I reveled in the control I found I had, over what could be good and what could be bad.
I questioned facts, feelings and fools until I found answers leading to a smaller nowhere.
I had powerful conversations, sometimes even with myself.
I learned, I unlearned.
It was beautiful.
I decided to believe that beautiful could break the barriers to transformation.
I resolved to understand beauty.
I didn’t like what I found.
I wanted to believe that historically great conversations or a record of kind acts or simple stories or dream catchers could dominate the pages of my search engine.
I was led to an ocean of toxins, saturated with ignorance, gimmicks, size 000, marketing strategies, fairness creams, negative thinking and oppressors.
I pitied the ignorant masses and detested the biased influencers.
I wanted to know if my perception was the majority or the minority.
I decided it didn’t matter.
I wanted to drown the toxins, drain the ocean and in its place build a spatially infinite library of beauty from within.
I want to create change.
I want to educate.
I began interviewing inspiring souls.
I learned, I unlearned.
I was captivated.
I was grateful.
I became happier; it was maybe even my happiest.
I realized I was wrong.
There had to be a balance. Always.
I am content.
– Photograph taken by Ishika Sachdev